Today is a special day for me.  I have made it to headstand without using the wall.  It just happened, exactly like how Nigel described it.  When the right time comes, you will know.   Just about two nights ago, I was just lamenting about my incapability of doing certain asana and wondering why it was so difficult for me when it was so easy for every yoga teacher.  Nigel just replied, Maybe your time has not come; when the right time comes, you might jump right into it

This was exactly what happened today.  After receiving the news about my job application, I was disheartened. I was so positive I got the job and was thinking how nice it would be that my tuition fees and bills would be taken care of.  But, it did not turn out that way.  Feeling frustrated, I could not put myself back to the desk to continue studying.  I took the yoga blanket out, placed it about three feet away from the wall and prepared for my headstand. 

This time, since I was so frustrated, my mind had no space for anything else.  I let go of all that I thought I knew; the alignments, the dos and donts and all the chitta vritti.  I jumped right into the position in which my body felt balance and centered.  I missed the first few rounds but I had a glimpse of how it felt like when I found the point of balance.  In the process of getting there, I also realized it was important for me to have a direction of where I was heading, very much like a goal and kept that goal in mind. 

Every time when I got into the pose with the least effort, I tried as much as I could, keep that experience in mind, the feeling of balance on my head.  Now with that in mind, I tried lifting one leg off the floor.  I maintained the integrity of that floating leg as I kept lifting it higher towards the sky.  At this point of time, I the leg on the ground would respond by following the floating leg.   As the bottom leg is lifted off the ground, it was very important for me to maintain the integrity of that leg too.   Initially, while bringing one leg up, I felt very unstable.  It almost felt like the leg was falling towards the wall, almost like I was knocked off balance.  That was the turning point in my whole experience.  When it felt like I was falling, I had to turn up the intensity of my focus even more and bring my leg back to center.  I kept telling myself, Come back, come back, come back to the center.  Youre not falling this time!

As I sit back and ponder about my whole experience, I realized it was so much related to how I show up in life.  Every time I make a resolution to change my way of responding to failure in life and that I will pick myself up every time I fall, I would be thrown back to more failures and obstacles.  Sometimes I even felt that the challenges that have happened in my life were so well-designed that every time they happened, the experience would just cut straight into my heart. When that happened, unfortunately, many times, I would just give in and allow myself to be thrown off track.  And, once again the whole cycle of depression, anxiety and frustration would just kick in naturally.  Every time I was thrown off balance in a headstand, without even any attempt or effort of bringing myself back to balance, I would just let the instability take over and I fell.  The only thing I did different this time is to stay strong and keep telling myself to come back to the center.  Its important to keep an open mind and know that once in a while, we will be given challenges that might throw us off our path.  The most important thing here is to remember that we should not get ourselves absorbed into the whole drama but to keep picking ourselves up again every time we notice we are swaying away from our center.  I cannot guarantee that it would be an easy thing to do, some effort, some muscles had to be engaged, but most importantly, we know we have made an effort.

The day started off with a bad news but I ended the day with a headstand that I have been struggling for two years.   Isnt life exciting!

Sookkuan completed her studies in the 500 hour program in early 2007. –Jeff